In Response to your...

A response to the step mother: Go figure.

You question why the bad things are always remembered, and that no one will accept or acknowledge your apology, but dwell on the bad things that you have done. I am not perfect, and I have never claimed to be, not once. I know my flaws, and I am the first to act on correcting them. But I do not try to excuse them. If you are apologizing, that means that there is NO excuse to what you have done, and you are REMORSEFUL for what has taken place. And if you feel that you need to follow up an apology with a rebuttal then you need to re-think your apology. And, when you apologize, it is not for recognition, but for repention. You cannot apologize, and then expect a song and dance because you have.
The negative usually outweighs the positive emotionally, no matter the situation. We do not DWELL on these negative things, but they literally scar our insides, and the positive, or apologies for the negative, merely suffice as a "Band-Aid" to our wounds. So of course, something that IS life altering, will be remembered. If you want your apology to be accepted by others, you need to apologize to yourself, and forgive yourself first. You can't sell something that YOU don't even believe in. Others just won't buy...

So, I can still be hurt, it's called being a human. I can forgive, but I can't just forget. And yes, an internal wound will always be there, and we can replace our band-aids and get on with it. Just be thankful that some of us can accept these band-aids time after time after time, and aren't just a "Self Healing" or bleed it out type.

The Neverending Story... of my life.

I am a nice person. I personally think I am a nice person at least. I would be happy to have a friend like me... at least I think I would. And I would be darn happy to be married to a girl like me, (if I was a guy at least...)
Now that I have confused you...

I feel I am in a constant state of chasing tail (my own tail that is.) Friends, family, relationships, life, chores, money... you name it, I am chasing it. I strive for the best, and give my 110% to anything I encounter, whether I think they are worth my time or not. I was taught to be the bigger person in all situations...and I think that just might become my own demise...
Why is it when I give, I have to give more, not be given the opportunity to recieve?
Why is it when I work, I have to work harder and no praise?
Why is it when I be all I can be, I get higher expectations and not appreciation?
I am a striver, a deliverer, and a do-good, make it happen, work for it kind of girl... but I am just about officially worn. I try, and I pump it out, and work it out, and fix it, and answer all questions I can, and walk on egg shells, and hold a make it or break it mentality... I get it done.
I have two uber sweet and amazing, intuitive boys. I have tried to turn my body from an incubator for two, to a powerhouse, a wonderland, a cuddly pillow, and a little slice of heaven... and for some reason I still feel that isn't good enough. How do I still feel that isn't good enough? There has to be some secondary factor playing into this...
I am social. I try my hardest to make everyone happy, and with one happy person I get two UNhappy persons... that's how great THAT idea works. I clean, I cook, I go out, I stay in, I go to church, I have extra- curricular activities, I have my boys going to a great sitter, I have them in programs as well, I let my husband do as he pleases... all the time. And somehow, I am still not complete, and still can't find that happy medium that everyone suggests and expects me to be. I am not outgoing enough, I don't spend enough time with my sons, I am not involved enough, I am not spiritual enough, I am not a good friend, I could be a better wife, I could be more understanding, I could not wear my feelings on my shoulders...
...I see a few conflicts here that I don't think I can resolve for everyone that wants to throw their opinion my way....
But it's never enough... will never be enough... and I am chasing my tail, on egg shells that is. I wonder if others feel this way. If I knew for a fact I wasn't giving my all into everything I do, maybe I wouldn't be so voiced about this... it makes me mad when people play victim, or pull the pity me card. But seriously, where is MY slice of the proverbial pie, when do I get a break, and when do I finally feel like all of my strenuous efforts have finally paid off....

I need a sabbatical...